President Bush to Commence Post-Election Campaign

President Bush to Commence Post-Election Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Amid plummeting poll numbers on the President's overall job approval rating and his handling of the war in Iraq, the White House today announced a dramatic change of tactics. Instead of continuing the rest of his second term mired in the repercussions of bad policy and faced with approbation not just from his opponents but also from members of his own party, White House staff, and the guy who shines his shoes, the President will travel the country shaking hands, eating at local diners, and giving campaign speeches to pre-screened gatherings of supporters.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that, in light of recent developments, the President will commence an unprecedented post-election campaign to "help improve his image as a strong leader." In a series of speeches, which is already underway, the President will "remind the voters why they fell in love" with Bush in the first place. Said McClellan, "Over the past several months--well, since Katrina, really--it's become increasingly clear that the American people just don't like President Bush. But they love Candidate Bush. So, we're heading out on the campaign trail."

This new strategy "plays to the President's strengths," McClellan stated. "Look, we've finally faced the facts. It wasn't easy, but it had to come sometime. Mr. Bush just isn't that good at being 'president.' In fact, he's really bad at it, and there's not much point denying it anymore. Where his strength is--is campaigning. He's a great campaigner."

Although the details are still being fleshed out--"The President's more of a 'Big Idea' guy," said McClellan, "he doesn't do details"--the apparent plan seems to focus on bolstering support among the President's base. The announced tour includes stops in Nebraska, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Texas, but that schedule is subject to change. "We're trying to be flexible; it's all up in the air at this point," McClellan explained.

In response to a question about how this campaign would affect Americans' confidence in the President, McClellan said, "The President will show that the American people can place their confidence in him because he has placed his confidence in the American people."

Explaining the President's mood during this radical tactical shift, McClellan said, "The President is very optimistic. I don't think he actually understands what 'radical tactical shift' means, but he's really upbeat. He likes campaigning for president. It's his favorite job ever. Truth is, he likes campaigning so much, he hasn't stopped campaigning since he announced his candidacy for governor of Texas in 1993." When pressed on this point, McClellan admitted that it wasn't "strictly true"--that Mr. Bush had taken off the month of August for vacation every year for the past 50 years and had put campaign activity on hold for several weeks as governor to sign execution orders.

Administration critics are already clamoring to dismiss this campaign as "one more White House distraction." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) denounced what she called the President's "blatant disregard for the well-being of the nation. He's not being honest with the American people. He has lied from the moment he took office. He lied in order to become President, he lied about WMDs, and he did nothing to stop 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina. He is a tyrant who has no respect for the law or the Constitution." However, Ms. Pelosi stopped short of endorsing Senator Russ Feingold's (D-WI) call for censure. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said of the White House announcement of a post-election campaign, "This is another attempt to draw attention away from the fact that he still hasn't found Osama bin Laden. First, he illegally invaded Iraq, and now he's invading Utah." A senior White House staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, dismissed Reid's comments, saying the President currently had no stops scheduled for Utah.

When asked if the President seriously believed this post-election campaign would actually solve the country's problem, McClellan replied, "This is a man who was elected President of the United States of America, the second time. Some people even voted for him twice." And addressing concerns about who would "run the country, and deal with issues and problems, and stuff like that" while the President was on the campaign trail, McClellan said, "We've got a plan. It's taken care of. Trust us."

The upcoming campaign tour, which begins immediately, is being dubbed "Everybody Loves Bush" and is scheduled to run for the next eight months, with the possibility of an extension, depending on the strength of ticket sales. According to McClellan, "The President is excited about this. He told me he would love it if this tour could just keep on going and going and not stop. He lives for this. He would love to do this for the rest of his life."

Ok, today I'm going wallow in shameless self-promotion. The Spring 2006 issue of DMQ Review is now online, and it includes a poem by yours truly, or at least my alter ego.

I also have two poems currently up at ken*again, in their Winter/Spring 2006 issue.

Normally, I'm not one to brag, but this is satisfying becasue I've had such scant success so far.

They are nothing mind-blowing or life-changing. If you didn't like poetry before, you're not going to change your opinion because of my little musings. However, I take some small pride in them and hope others find the same pleasure I take in them.

And in the spirit of one of my poems, here are a couple of live cover versions of "(Don't Fear) The Reaper."

First, one by Elliott Smith, a personal favorite musician of mine:

Elliott Smith - Don't Fear the Reaper (live)

Second, a version from Belle & Sebastian, the ultimate Scottish twee-poppers. When I'm in the mood for twee, they certainly satisfy.

Belle & Sebastian - Don't Fear the Reaper (live)

Needs more cowbell.

(Incidently, I wrote that poem probably 5 years or more ago and have been trying to get it published for some time, which makes it particularly fulfilling to find it a home. But that was before I saw the SNL cowbell sketch. In retrospect, I should have thrown in a little wink and a nod to Christopher Walken.)

Video Retaliation ... Plus a Soundtrack for Government Disaster Response

Just a day after the Associated Press (AP) released a description and a transcript of a "leaked" video of President George W. Bush doing nothing, another video has surfaced reportedly showing Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco mistakenly reassuring that the New Orleans levees were holding up to Hurricane Katrina.

Earlier this week, AP reported on a video of a briefing the president attended the day before Katrina struck warning that the hurricane posed a serious threat to the New Orleans area. According to AP, Bush did not ask a single question about what was being done to prepare the area for the storm.* When confronted with the potential disaster of hurricane flooding and the need for emergency preparations, Bush responds on the tape by commenting that Hurricane Katrina "sounds like a great movie" and "could they show that on Air Force One" when he flies back to DC next week? He then flushes the toilet and exits the bathroom without washing his hands.

Another tape followed today, this time featuring Governor Blanco. As the storm rages in the background, she indicates that the levees are holding up well against Katrina's winds, even though they had been topped hours earlier, news of which apparently had not yet reached Blanco. When pressed for details, Blanco reportedly adds that the levees "appear firm in their resolve" not to fail, despite revelations that one of the levees had received a 10 storm suspension after it tested positive for performance-enhancing steroids. After an awkward pause, Blanco allegedly removes her shirt in exchange for some cheap plastic beads.

Here's a soundtrack for government disaster response. No particular sequence, though.

Modest Mouse - Sleepwalking

Self - See If You Swim

Self - I Knew What I Know Now

Self - Breakdown

Self - Moronic

Self - Waiting

Self - Placing the Blame (Old School mix)

Blind Melon - No Rain

Calexico - Panic Open String

Calexico - All Systems Red

Chinup Chinup - Virginia, Don't Drown

Fluid Ounces - The Beginning of the End

Fluid Ounces - Big Deal (Out of Nothing)

Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Nirvana - Dumb

The Walkmen - We've Been Had


The Self songs are all available as free downloads on selfies (there is a ton of music! dig around! find something you like!) Unfortunately, all of Self's official CD releases are out of print. But try ebay; things turn up there from time to time.

As always, you can purchase great music by these fine performers and many more at Insound.


*(for an excellent--and serious--analysis of the implications, read John Dickinson's piece "The Silence of Bush" in Slate).

At 27 ... Plus Scatological Asstronomy

KNBC in Los Angeles recently posted an online slideshow featuring 49 musicians (well, mostly) who died too soon or before their time. The list is pretty basic, just a photo with biographical info in the caption, and includes many of the names you would expect. I'm not sure how exactly they define "too soon," but I don't have much to quibble about--except that John Belushi was known more for his comedic skill, even if he was one of the Blues Brothers.

However, what really struck me is how many of them were the same age as I am: 27. Robert Johnson. Janis Joplin. Jimi Hendrix. Brian Jones. Hank Williams Sr. Otis Redding. Jim Morrison. Kurt Cobain. I'm not trying to draw any conclusions from this; it was a subjective list, after all. But it just got me thinking.

The only one of those who was still alive when I was born was Kurt Cobain, and he was dead before I had finished my first year of high school. My point is that I've never really had a clear perspective on how young these people were. When we assign someone celebrity status, that person often becomes somehow separated from the norms of human experience, at least as we perceive them, so that we don't think of them in the same way we think of non-celebrities. That's not really fair to us or them, but it is what it is.

Realizing that Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison were my age when they died just seems surreal in a way I can't quite describe. Especially since they will never age. It also makes me think, what have I done with my life? By 27, these people had achieved a level of success I can't fathom. And I'm not just talking about fame. I'm talking about the work that stands as their legacies, so to speak. No matter how long I live, I will never write a hook as powerful as Come As You Are, or a song as haunting as Hell Hound on My Trail. I know it's a fruitless exercise, but it's kind of a reflex for me.


Nirvana - Come As You Are

Robert Johnson - Hell Hound on My Trail


You can buy music by all of these performers at Insound.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Came across this today and just couldn't resist: astronomical toilet paper.

It's rolls of tp with pictures and text giving information about astronomy. The inventor is Masaaki Hiramatsu, a Ph.D. candidate at the University of Tokyo. Apparently, it's sold pretty well, 13,000 over the past year. It's designed to get people interested in astronomy. And then wipe their butts with it. I wonder if this association is necessarily in the best interest of the scientific community. Would you want to look through a telescope at distant galaxies if all you could think about is poo? Then again, it might make it easier for the general public to identify Uranus.

*rimshot*

http://www.tenpla.net/atp/

Just 'Cuz it's Tuesday

Some more songs that have gotten heavy rotation recently.

They range from the gentle to the wild, but everything here has proven its worth to my ears. These songs have been meticulously tested in the Too Early for Flapjacks Sound Lab for durability, catchiness, and sing-along quotient. So have no fear, these are good tunes.

Enjoy!

Man Man - Ice Dogs

Nina Nastasia - Untitled (live on The Next Big Thing)

Miles Davis - Mystery

The Mountain Goats - Pigs That Ran Straightaway Into the Water, Triumph of

Calexico - Grip Tape

Neko Case - Train From Kansas City

Christopher O'Riley - Karma Police (insturmental Radiohead cover solo piano)

R.L. Burnside - Shake 'em on Down


Buy these artists and many more at Insound!

Baby Makes Three! A New Blog

I've started a new blog (in addition to, not in lieu of this one). It's in conjunction with our baby website Baby Makes Three. If you get the urge, take a look. Feedback is welcome. Ridicule is ignored.

In honor of this wonderful endeavor, and the woman who, literally with every passing day, makes it possible (meaning my wife, for the dense among us), here is an incredibly, almost indescribably sweet song about impending fatherhood.

It's by Colin Meloy of The Decemberists, and the only title I know for it is "The Baby Song." A gently strummed acoustic number with an offbeat but appealing melody (which is pretty typical of the Decemberists, for those unfamiliar). Take a listen.

Colin Meloy - The Baby Song

Keep in mind that this will only be up for a few days, so grab it quick. Or email me if you missed it. I might be persuaded to send it your way.

New Self/Matt Mahaffey!

Ok, so you got that Wired All Wrong track, right?

Good, well, they've put up another one: Let Me Go

Plus, get this, Matt Mahaffey has added a new track to his solo page: Sucked Out the Center.

Matt Mahaffey, musical genius, producer/performer extraordinaire, has unleashed another slice of awesomeness on the unsuspecting public. I hope this gets to be a habit!

For those who don't know, Mahaffey was the driving force behind Self, and he has been collaborating recently with Jeff Turzo, formerly of God Lives Underwater, in a project called Wired All Wrong. I know I'm hardly impartial, but as far as I'm concerned, Mr. Mahaffey can do no wrong. He's also currently working with Phantom Planet, and has recently produced tracks for Hello Goodbye, Feable Weiner, and (I think I heard this correctly) Call Florence Pow. This man has been busybusy. Show him some love. Or just some severe like. It doesn't have to get physical, just whatever you're comfortable with.